"I
remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more - the
feeling that I could last for ever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all
men."
Joseph
Conrad
The
counterintuitive reality in this country is that a fair morning bodes the most
treacherous weather of all later in the day. Clear and sunny skies mean high
pressure of shore, and while the sea is calm at 8 or 9 am, by afternoon that
high pressure system is sure to be blowing from the West. The members of our
crew, hailing from various parts continental - Great Lakes region, Montana, etc
- neglected this basic fact. Later on Mike would say that he considered the
clear skies to be less than auspicious, but no one had a strong inclination to
discourage our decision to launch.
We
left as six, in two singles and two tandems. We split into two teams of three
near Island Cove. One of the crew on the other squad had a stomach ache and was
paddling with pain, so I thought it was best to lead my team to the further
survey point. We would have an extra mile and a half or of paddling, but I
didn't care. I felt strong and wanted to do what I could to help the day go
well. I was out in front of Jaime and Mike paddling down to the very bottom of
Slocum arm. We landed with tide on the high side and navigated on foot to our
two data collection points without any problem.
The
wind started ripping sometime when we were out hiking. Return departure was
delayed for about half an hour while we fussed with the elastic cord in Mike's
sprayskirt. The gear adjusted, we put our noses toward base camp and launched.
When we crept out of a pool at the north end of Island Cove, the wind hit us in
the face. The straight wall of forested rock offered little protection as the
wind cruised down the wide channel. All we could do was hunker down and grind
out strokes from the core muscles. Progress was very slow and this along with
bodily fatigue as the bright afternoon wore on created hazardous mental
straits. Despair, sadness, fear, and anger were among the emotions swelling in
the sea of my psyche. I regretted my misdeeds in this life and was repulsed by
the shortcomings of my human relationships. And after excoriating myself for
these failings I was ready to lash out at the my fellow paddlers.
"Why
are Mike and Jaime being so goddamn stubborn?" I asked. "Don't they
know I can't keep up with them if they stay out there in the middle of the
channel? They should be looking out for me better." And my trip leader, in
a group further ahead with Jennifer and McCain, was another target. "What
the fuck was Gregg thinking dragging me out here like this? This shit is
dangerous!" The unnerving thing was how quickly my mind fumed with anger
and aggression with my body under duress.
Divine
help was what I needed. I composed a mantra asking for help on the trip, and
repeated it over and over into the wind. Could my prayer reach anyone's ears
but my own in this roaring jetstream of air all around me?
The
situation reminded me of another time that I had sought spiritual guidance in a kayak. It was with Andis, on one of my first days in the Tongass
Forest two years previous. We were in cross seas where the tidal swell and the
wind opposed each other and created odd pyramid shaped wave maxima that were
tricky to navigate. We were banged on the sides of the boat to make our
presence known to the humpback whales that were breaching within a few hundred
yards of us. I felt that I was at the sea's mercy. Seeking comfort, I
tried to conjure in my mind's eye a boddhisattva that I had seen in a museum
and had recently been meditating on at the cattle ranch down in Oregon. In the
open sky above the Pacific, my visualization of the angel grew to a massive
size, and seemed to offer its serenity to counterbalance my fear of the raucous
elements around me.
But
now I needed more than just a calming factor amidst the random unsettling waves
and a few pesky yet magnificent leviathans. I knew from the beginning that my
strength and endurance of body and mind would be tested. Conditions were
perilous, and whether I or any of us had what was needed to pull off a safe
return was in question.
